It’s half term. That means no college counselling and teaching to do for a week. I am desperate to take a step back from work life for a while. Not that I was doing my usual amount of work. I can’t anymore. Which adds to my frustration at not being able to get everything I want doing done. I have not got the energy or motivation to complete all my tasks. I can’t seem to find the time that chemo hasn’t taken, and make the best use of this. I feel I am constantly chasing my tail. Like a deranged cat twirling round and round for hours, and not getting anywhere. Try as I might I cannot find a place in my mind where this is OK with me. It’s not OK. It’s another reminder I am not able to operate at the level I am used to. It is so frustrating I cannot tell you.
When I feel like this, I fail to look beyond the treatment, and beyond what life looks like now. I sit in this miserable space, feeding my misery and self-doubt with hard negative thinking. This pumps through my mind a bit like chemo pumps through your blood stream.
My life is now on public view, and I am not sure if this is a good thing for me or not. I have never been on social media, and felt so grateful it didn’t occupy my time in the ways I have seen in so many people. Especially the younger people I support in my work role. I have seen hundreds get eaten up and spat out by this machine and I have always felt such relief that this stress was never in my life. Now it could be. I have been overwhelmed with the positive, warm and genuine responses I have had from people. People who I don’t know that well, who have read what I have been going through and reached out to say hi. People who I have known from Blackpool who I have lost touch with, throwing me a smile and some best wishes. And of course my nearest and dearest extending their love to these public platforms. I am so keen to go further and to get to others who are where I am – in the throws of cancer treatment and need to feel understood and supported. I have no other means of doing this other than promoting my blog and my determination using social media. But it baffles me too. ‘Likes’, ‘#’s’, ‘Posts’, ‘notifications’, etc…. I am at a loss in this strange world and feel vulnerable. It’s similar to how I felt when I landed on planet cancer. I just stood there, staring at what was going on around me -searching for answers and a clear direction to go. I remember feeling totally paralyzed with fear – the fear I would not survive and cope and find my way out again. But as the days went by, a step away from that initial spot ensued, and slowly I grew with confidence which was driven by knowledge. The more I started to understand, the more I felt comfortable with where I was going. Ask the questions you need to, to get to your level of understanding and acceptance.
As I write this I start to feel a little better. Maybe this will work out like that too?