Coping Techniques
& SUPPORT….
SUPPORT IS THERE FOR YOU
It is easy to feel alone, but there is always support available for you. Here are a few which have helped me:
Breast cancer – Macmillan cancer Support – Click here for info
Support for you – Breast Cancer Now – Click here for info
Breast cancer in women – NHS – Click here for info
Resources and support – Cancer Research UK – Click here for info
Support groups – Breast Cancer.org – Click here for info
COPING SKILLS AND TECHNIQUES
WAITING FOR TEST RESULTS
This is by far the worse time of the whole process. I won’t be able to tell you anything that will make this any easier. You are going to be worried, scared, anxious and then some. But I will be able to tell you that once you have your answers (and they may be truly brilliant!) you will have some control back and some idea of what will happen and when. This will pass and then you will be able to think clearly.
Stay busy. I tried all I can to distract myself and keep myself busy. I also did all I can to ‘talk’ myself through being able to cope with the worse news. This is NOT EASY. At all. But it kept my mind from thinking I would not be able to manage and cope. I got so fed up of thinking about what the results would be I was actively looking for a way NOT to think. Wine helped. Running helped more. Reading , TV, whatever. I cleaned like crazy. That helped. Talking really was useful so gather yourself your very best people and share this with them. They will want to hear it. You would if the shoe was on the other foot.
DO NOT GOOGLE. This is a one way ticket to hell. You tend to only read the ‘worse’ cases anyway. This will breed more fear and worry into you – and let’s be honest – you will have created enough of that by yourself. Why add the opinions of others? If you can’t resist doing this (I get why), limit yourself to only a small period of time. Call it ‘worry’ time – and allow yourself and your frightened head to endulge itself but please keep it to a minimum. Make sure you have an activity or something to do to counterbalance this. Make sure once you put your device down and you are now full of anxiety you have a place to put it safely. A journal helped me. Scream. Fresh air helped me. Take up a new hobby.
Right now the world is not safe and you are scared. Accept that. It’s OK to feel like this and to feel the worse. But, if you can do anything at all to dilute some of these minutes – try. You will be thankful you put the effort in. Even if it bought you a few moments peace from the negative thinking – you got a few moments off.
JUST DIAGNOSED
I wish more than anything else you were not reading this. I wish more than life itself I had not created this blog and shared these thoughts with you. But I have shared myself and you are reading it, because we were both diagnosed with cancer. Fucking hell. I am so so sorry you had to sit somewhere in this world and listen to those words.
By far the most terrifying minutes of my entire life. Possibly yours too. But, like every single aspect of this rancid journey, those moments pass. And then you are left with the information you never ever wanted to process. But you will. You will start to make your way in your new world and your new anxiety and fear and you will start to make some sense of what you are going through. You may want answers. Ask for them. You may want to be left alone. Ask for the space. You may think there is no way more tears can ever be produced in your body. They will. Whatever happens for you now is about you and what you need or require to manage this news. If you don’t know what you want – trust you soon will.
In my experience – the only real thing that helped me adjust to what was going to happen to me was time. A day can make the difference. An hour can. Expect to go up and down for however long you need to until something shifts. You will settle and regroup and carry on. You have to as there really is no alterntaive.
Once you get some space in this you will start to look at what your diagnosisis means. You will learn what the treatment is, what it will do, what they can do, what you can do. It slowly shows itself in front of you and with each piece will come clarity, control and energy you will need to get through this section of the journey. Trust me. This will happen. You are stronger than you will ever know, and you will manage this. Somehow. I can’t promise well. But please believe that you will and you will regain some of yourself, enough – to push through to the next stage.
Back to letting others in. You will really bloody struggle sailing this ship alone. Don’t even bother. Share what you are feeling, anyway that suits you. Tell me – I will listen. I found comfort talking to those who were where I was – maybe a little further on, but that helped me. Crying helped me too. This may be you at your most vulnerable right now – totally out of anything that resembles a comfort zone and right in the middle of no-man’s land. Find yourself a hug. You bloody need one.
No one will make this go away, but the empathy and compassion of others will smooth the edges of this for you. Reach out if you can and try. Being valued and understood right now is integral to what you are facing. Cancer is evil and does not give a shit about you and how you feel. It is a killer and that is it’s purpose. So you are dealing with that. Sorry for the bluntness but honesty is also what you need here too. If you know what you are tackling you will prepare for that. This will all come clearer soon and you then you may feel more empowered and that is what you need also. You need a tool kit to survive this time and the thinking that comes with it.
Pre-chemotherapy
OK – so you have to have chemo. This is totally shit. But right now this is all you have and this necessary poison is going to go in and kick cancer right out of you. You just have to let it invade, do it’s work, and pick up the P60 at the end of it. You are going to need a helicopter. I say this, because what will help here is always trying to see the bigger picture – the whole story – the view from above. You stay looking at only what you can see left or right and you will struggle. The chemo is there to save you and keep you alive. If you choose not to take this option open to you, I totally respect that decision. And please know, your diagnosis would have been different from mine – so what I share here is only my opininion and NOT a definitive ‘How to’ survive chemotherapy. Even your Oncologist won’t be able to tell you that!
But your body will. So – let’s get chemo-ready.
What helped me:-
PRACTICAL
Sick bowl – Fan – Diary – Pen – Lift to and from hospital – Plain foods – Digestive biscuits – Water – Ice – Squash (for a change) – Timer for when to take meds – Amazing friends – Books -Magazines – Netflix – Fresh air – A small table to put this all on – Tissues – Hand sanitizer – The best face and hand cream you can buy – Eye mask – Ear plugs – Comfy clothes – Anti-sickness bands – Eat light meals on the day – drink water like your life depends on it
EMOTIONAL
Time – Patience – Trust in your own body’s ability to do the best for you – Self-compassion – Kindness to yourself – Complete respect for what you are going through – The energy to reach out – Acceptance – No expectations set – No standards or ‘I should’s’ – Do not Google – Ask questions to those you trust and who are their to manage your treatment plan – Feel the anxiety but push through it, it’s really not as bad as you think it will be (the actual treatment) – Talk to others on the Unit – Look for the friendly eyes and embrace them – Deep breaths, you can and you will do this – BELIEVE you will cope with any side effects you have – Know they will pass and the pain relief/sickness management will help – Know there is help on the other side – Talk to your best friends – Remember why you are here, to get your life back and to get rid of the cancer invading your body
DURING TREATMENT
Before I start – REMEMBER – all of our treatment plans and experiences of them will be different. So what I say here may not be applicable to you and your prognosis – but I hope you can take something from this – even if I make you smile a little or boil with anger at my perspective!! Anger has a purpose remember!
You may feel quite unwell, and totally f***ed off during your treatment. It may feel like every day is so heavy with the magnitude of what you are going through you won’t be able to move a muscle or think a thought without it being drenched in either pain, nausea, or something worse. Not much helps me when I am there – right in the middle of the storm clinging on for the minute my body breaks free from whatever chemo brought to me that day. But I do know it passes. The feeling – however nasty, changes and often for the better. I have to remember that. I keep a chemo diary which I have found integral to my mental health. It measures and records the days feelings and the activities I did or did not mange to do. Having this allows me some control and some confidence in my abilities to manage and cope with the grimness of treatment. I can look back at certain days in the cycle and see what I was feeling. Sometimes this is the same so I then have more proof this will pass and I will feel more brighter and energized.
I hate some medication I take but I know it helps so I have a little moan and try and get myself back on track and back on looking towards the end – I have an end at the moment but I am very aware that may change and the ending to my story will not be how I hoped. Living with that uncertainty is so cruel and so unkind – it can be no wonder I spend many days in a burning pit of rage and out and out fear. I may not survive and all this will be for no good whatsoever. If you stay there for a long time it may well become reality – so I remind myself that I have no option but to ‘think’ myself stronger – better and believe that one day I will not have any treatment and this year – 2020- will be the year ‘Mum had cancer’. It won’t be the year ‘I lost my Mum’. Pressure comes with this – pressure to be as well as you can and not let others see you struggle. Or a big one for me – not allowing others to see you vulnerable.
Every pain, twitch, sore, spot or headache you have, you will be forgiven for thinking this is cancer related and the treatment is not working. Shocks of anxiety will shoot inside of you, closely followed by the utter dread of losing your life despite the horrid process of the chemo or the treatment you are going through. I don’t have the answers to help you solve this one. It hurts like nothing else. But I will say this – it dilutes in intensity and does not always stay very long. It burns out to nothing sometimes – you gather yourself – take back control and divert the thinking elsewhere.
Talking to others, and having a massive capability to be compassionate to yourself and what you are going through will be very very useful. It has to come from within to make a real difference. You have to FEEL what you are doing is for yourself and how strong you actually are is because of the energy you are investing in your treatment and management of it.
Keeping hold of a sense of normality helps me and really keeps my pity party from going viral. I do all I can to stay as close to my core self as possible. I often push myself too hard and for too long, like I have something to prove to someone. The truth is – I don’t. But I find that hard – as I have to somehow show myself I can cope better and harder than I thought I ever could. But I am realising now that actually this way of being me and going with this, is actually what is getting me through. Keeping on working (when I can), running, cleaning, drinnking wine, busying myself with tasks and blogging, are my ways of dealing with this and so far this has worked.
LOSING YOUR HAIR
Some of you will find this OK and take it well, others will struggle hugely with the transformation of their looks and their self-confidence. Please know it is not as awful as you fear. You will adjust and you will cope. I found it hard when my hair came out. It was my blanket and it was part of my identity. But it was no the WHOLE of me. I learnt that. But it was important so I bought the most expensive wig I could, determined it would look as natural as possible. This may not matter to you and that is fine. But I was keen to be me and carry on looking how I was. I also embraced the bald – it took a few days to get used to the new me – but I did and came to like what I looked like. I look like I have cancer – I need not open my mouth and you can see I have got cancer. That is now important to me – it represents who I am right now at this moment in my life.
Buy a few wigs – get the short, long, bright, funky…… experiment with what you like and take full advantage of the fact you take less than 2 minutes in the shower and no longer have to spend 20 minutes blow drying or styling your hair.
My hair (wig) is so thick and in such good shape – I will enjoy this now as my hair was never brilliant after years of hair abuse (see blogs). I can put it up in ways I never could and bought a whole load of new hair accessories to change it up a bit. Get some hair glue and You Tube what to do. Use it! It will really help and makes the hair feel secure.
Cancer changes you – and this is part of it I am afraid. Take control and make this process as easy as you can. Trust in what you feel and how you will navigate your way through this part of the journey. It is one step closer to getting rid of the cancer and getting yourself back. Hair grows back. Mum’s don’t.
LIVING WITH CANCER
Living with cancer is very very hard, very very draining, and very very sad. It is totally shit. It will try and rip your insides out and take away everything you felt was true and real. It will take you to edges of being human you never wanted to visit – leave you there -stranded and totally f***ed. It laughs in your face and spits in your eye. That is the truth. You will experience emotionas you won’t feel will ever leave you and the fear and uncertainty of having this bastard disease will feel like you will never ever escape and never ever be able to take a full breath in and out again. Your mind will feel like it has been invaded by the darkest most violent of thoughts, feelings and images. You will be scared and want to scream but be mute and want to cry.
Now the good bit. You will have moments of carefree release where you are feeling in charge – in control and in some way OK with what is happening to you. Use distraction, acceptance and normalise what you are feeling. Be OK with not being OK and embrace these times where the backkdrop to the cancer is not heavy, is not frigtening and is do-able. You have to cope and you will. There are days I give no f***s about what I am going through. I don’t feel anger – I don’t feel anything really but sometimes a really powerful wave of emotion breaks through and I really genuinley feel I will get to the other side, having learnt so much about myself and what I can do, but others and what they did for me. I will keep people and I will have kicked others to the side. I will stand tall, with short spikey hair and smile back at what I did and how I did it. I will alter my life and will no longer have the same priorities. I will love myself and have the most amazing and congruent respect for any other human being who has had cancer, and any form of treatment required to kill or manage it. My work life will and is already changing on an horizon of what I have gone through. I am grateful for that. I will learn and will change as a human being. My kids will have a differnet Mum and my husband a different wife.
The inner dialogue you have with yourself can not always be trusted. Know that – do whatever it takes to quieten the chatter. If you feel like a black and white version of yourself, believe the technicolour version of who you are is till there – it may not feel reachable or tangible – but it is there. You are always there – hidden somewhere inside.
Create a ‘safe space’ in your head – a place where you can escape to – a place where you can feel happiness, relief and joy – a memory, a picture, an experience, a holiday – anything at all that can take you from the fear cancer drags with it. You need to find a way of getting out of your head safely – you need the break and will welcome it. Stimulate your senses – music, smells, people – creating a survival tool-kit will really help you in the darker moments where anxiety embellishes you with its grandeur. It’s job is to destroy you and leave you empty. When this happens – reach for something – anyone – who will listen and aid your recovery out of this hollow blackness. Do not attempt this task yourself. You need support and you deserve it.
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