I know now.
A full 24 hours have gone by and the feeling of yesterdays poignant consideration is still overwhelming me.
I’m saddened and shocked by the process of reasoning I have gone through since yesterday.
I know what I didn’t want……
I didn’t want to vomit. Ever.
I didn’t want to look ill, poorly and frail.
I didn’t want people pitying me.
I didn’t want people pretending they knew what I was feeling when they didn’t.
I didn’t want to attract attention to myself when I couldn’t look anyone in the eye.
I didn’t want my beautiful family to suffer, be sad or worry about me.
I didn’t want to stop work completely.
I didn’t want to sit on the sofa watching Loose Women.
I didn’t want to get infection after infection and end up in hospital.
I didn’t want to have no energy or suffer from severe fatigue.
I didn’t want to put on weight and feel heavy and lazy.
I didn’t want to loose myself in this hot mess of a treatment that burns and scolds your insides.
I didn’t want to get through it and be told it wasn’t successful.
STILL HAVEN’T ANSWERED MY QUESTION HAVE I?
Ultimately I wanted to carry on living. I wanted it to kill my cancer tumour and not kill me. I wanted to manage the side effects and never ever give up or feel sorry for myself.
I really don’t think I gave up. I played around with the possibility of doing that but always pulled myself back from the brink. I kept pushing on – believing I will feel better later, or tomorrow. Even if I didn’t for days – a small silent voice inside of my head whispered that I would. Soon.
I clung to the future. To the time when I would feel better. Well every day. To the day I get back to life. Back to being a busy middle-aged woman doing what she does best – Mum, wife, friend, counsellor.
Four roles which I have not been able to fully participate in for 6 months. Half a year without my identity. 180 days off ‘me’. I feel I’ve been loitering on the outskirts of my life.
If all goes well (op/radiotherapy), I’ll be looking at another 4 months until I eventually rise out of the ashes and rebuild my body, mind, soul, confidence and identity.
So, another 48 hours from now I’ll be topped up with chemo#7, staving off the now expected and accepted side effects – keeping my smile plastered on my expanding chops and keeping my eye on the final day of treatment.
I’m knackered just thinking about it.