When I am feeling well – I do not care any where near as much about the chemo. I have felt well today, and the last few days. It has been such a welcoming feeling. I have loved it – but you never stop looking over your shoulder for the kick, Sad really, as I try to enjoy the moment without the ghastly side effects, and the intrusive thoughts. But I am happy to have 80% of the moment. That is an improvement. Take that.
I saw my wonderful friend today too, (colleague turned best friend). She looks so well. Warm, bronzed skin, bright eyes, healthy looking hair, all encase her wicked sense of humour and affection. I feel like I have known her forever, but it’s only been a few months. She manages to drag the real me out in seconds. I have no guards up, and I am at ease. Not many people have made me feel like this. Is that the chemo? Your guard comes down and you are exposed to everything. It heightens your senses and your insides are always supercharged. That is not happening, there is a true connection here – built on a combined experience of breast cancer and it’s treatments. That is the strongest friendship glue a girl can buy.
A neighbour dropped off some flowers too – this was out of the blue and made me smile. I don’t know them well, but we live in the same village. So thankful to be thought of. I am very aware not all people have this. I am aware some are suffering without the care and attention of others, and this kills me. I want to be friends with you all and listen to you- dry your tears and share your fears. This is so hard and has the power to take us all down in so many different ways. It is easy to get caught up with ‘you’ and what ‘you’ are feeling. To ground yourself in cancer and what it does to people takes a strong stomach. You enter a world that makes no sense, is so unfair and has no answers. I struggle to say the right things, although I feel the right things. I am scared of presuming how you feel is the same as me. I worry in case I offend you and make my journey seem harsher or easier than yours. I want you to be OK and I want to make this go away for us all. I want to be cured and I want this to leave me, leave you, and allow you to live in freedom and peace again. Feel safe again. Breathe again. Feel the air on your face again without the taint of fear.
That day may come – you may get a few, you may get many more. But, what we can’t do is allow this to move in and take us over completely. Easier said than done. I know. We might be lodgers in our own homes, but we still have squatters right’s.