Today I can officially say ‘I FINISH CHEMO NEXT MONTH’!!!
Today I can officially say I have had enough and I want my life back.
No. I really do.
I’m sad writing this, and this is how I feel after a reasonably good day. Got a lot of work done and the day was topped off by a few hours out with two very good friends. We had food, a laugh and a catch up – we weren’t together long, but long enough for the connection to spark back up and to share a few updates. I have found myself thinking about which part of Heidi do I bring to these social gatherings . The pat where I am surviving chemo well and flying in the face of cancer. Or the part that feels the way she does in the second sentence of this post. I want to be real – be me – not hide anything, so I stop these thoughts and agree with myself I’ll just see what comes out first.
Tonight I think it was a combination of the two. I don’t find it easy to dominate a conversation about me anyway. I like to talk, engage and share but I also like to ask questions and listen.
A shift in me is occurring and I’m not sure what is happening to me.
I am heard tonight and as I talk, they ask questions – a genuine interest in my treatment and outlook on it. I suddenly find it easy and I want them to know what my life is like in between our nights out.
My life is not easy. I struggle with parts of the chemo side effects and I don’t find it easy to say that out loud sometimes. I’m not hiding anything and I think I know what I am doing, but I continually questioning that.Chemo and cancer are in my mind 24/7. I think through this – living my life in 21 day cycles. Navigating my way through the chaos that chemo leaves in my way. It’s a tsunami. So my white noise in my head is the same – on loop – every single day. So when I talk about it to my friends I’m already sick to death of the subject – so presume they are too. Except they’re not. They don’t have access to my brain, or my thoughts. No one does. They don’t know the full story or ever see the bigger picture.
So, as they ask questions I remind myself of this. I also think if this wasn’t happening to me – and to one of them – I would also be asking questions. I would also be showing deep concern for my friend who is going through hell and living every single conscious moment of it. I’d be curious and want to know how my friend is feeling. It’s finding that balance where you have your space and fill it – but not to cram it with the only topic you have to hand. I make the effort to guide myself into other interesting things I have to say. No…there are a few!!
Parts of me crave the time off from my thinking and on nights like this I do get some moments where I am not ‘on’ chemo (well it is one of the strongest drugs in the world) and I am just me again. Laughing, swearing and absorbing the contents of what this triad brings to me. Three middle aged women, all with their own stuff, lives husbands, worries and achievements. All there for one another – all safe in each others company – all at ease. And the best thing for me is these these two – well….I don’t have to put on a show, duplicate any of their insecurities, say what I think they want to hear…i can just be me. They have never demanded anything other than that from me, and me from them which is why we still make the effort to make these nights happen. Good people.
My injection didn’t pierce my skin tonight. This hurt like crazy – tears sprung a leak – making me think for that moment – even my skin is as bored as me of his chemo nonsense and is refusing to take part.
As I close my journal and put my eye mask on, I’m feeling tired, sore, very fed up, low and teary.