Slowly coming back to life. Week 3 of the cycle is by far the best for me. I feel I am over the worse, with some energy levels back – you get this then the confidence levels grow. You feel effective and worthwhile and know when you wake up each morning there is a high chance you will achieve what you want to without the side effects throwing a curve ball at you. I am slow in my head still but don’t fight it.
These days see see our level 4 students all pass their external assessments which was an amazing result given the unexpected switch from face to face to online teaching. Everything had to be adapted for the remote delivery and each one of them rose to the challenge and my colleague and I were very proud of our now (almost) qualified trainees.
EXCELLENT RESULTS – REALLY WELL DONE ALL OF YOU!
This is the week I see a few more clients as energy levels and side effects allow. You can really feel the chemo brain break away which I relish.
I went and sat in a socially distanced pub garden and had dinner with my friends. Great to catch up with them both. We are all different people leading different lives but as a trio blend these differences together well. I have deep fondness for them both and both have brought things to me that I admire and hold dear. We have been in each other’s lives well over a decade now – and don’t see each other often, but that is never a problem. We always continue where we left off with no in-congruence or force. Very easy to be with and I enjoy their vibrant conversations. We have children similar ages so to speak frankly about the pressures of this (and of the course the good parts!), always reminds me there are other Mums who think the same thoughts about the difficult parts of motherhood. Ti have this background of acceptance without being judged suits me well.
I’ve spent too many years having the opposite with some people and now know that does not contribute well to my mental health.
Actually met up with my co-tutor for the first time since lock down. He’d been kind enough to shield for 7 days before our meet – so I was comfortable with this. Followed all usual procedures and had a very productive afternoon preparing for our new cohort of level 4 diploma students starting with us, remotely, in September.
Fortunately for me I teach Mondays and Tuesdays, which has worked well around the Wednesday chemo kicking I get thrice weekly! I tried to factor in work commitments into my treatments as I always intended to continue with work, in whatever capacity I could. This has been the best thing for me. I have no where near the speed and capacity as I used to have. Looking back at what I actually did do in 24 hours is now beginning to look absolutely foolish to me. Pre-COVID I was working 12 hour days – a mixture of teaching, college counselling, private counselling, and all the prep, admin and management those roles brought with it. I worked well under pressure and stress was my friend. I would come undone sometimes – and it showed in physical sysmptoms…all designed by by body to slow me doen and stop me for a while. I would listen, ease back, get better than get bat shit crazy again. This is my cycle.
Now, my body has given me the ultimate disease, to give me the biggest fear of my life, and let me tell you this. Only chemo would have made me stop the way I am now. That is because when it is crawling through you, doing it’s work, getting the cells and smashing their tiny little faces in, I have to stop dead in my tracks. I feel disabled actually and this feeling, this realization has been very challenging for me.
Heidi can no longer go at 120 miles per hour. She is struggling at 30 miles per hour and she hates it.
So, to have the focus of my work, my life, my friends, and my family, goes someway in putting up the finger to the cancer and the chemo. Yes you can slow me, scare me, depress me, and strip me bald………but I will be f***ed if you end me. I am determined to hold tightly to the core life I had thoroughly enjoyed before cancer came to town and devastated me.
Once the side effects submerge and your energy levels start to see a gap and make their way in, so does the ‘I can do this’ thinking. Your diagnosis fades out and ‘you’ begin to fade back in again. You see a different life horizon, you see a shore, a destination, and end to the treatment, and then comes the hope and the self-belief. That self-belief is such an important quality to have, as without the ability to believe in your own worth and actions, you may struggle to reach your full potential and live a less fulfilling life. This is another reason you need time between chemo cycles. My God, if you had chemo more regularly – aggressive treatments – you would never get these last few days of the week to see the shore line of possibility and hope.
Believing in your ability will help you achieve the level of quality in your life you deserve.