Rough as today. Really dipped down and feeling unwell. A week on too? I was doing so well then today – WOW. I am sore, sickly, hot, cold, fed up, tired. Is the accumulative factor? Four in and now it starts to settle and hurt? I hate that word – accumulative. It stings me. It suggests it’s getting bigger – more out of control – and harder to deal with and manage. Meaning I fall behind the race I try every single day to be ahead of. I have to think positive and remain optimistic that tomorrow I’ll be good and start the climb out of this chemo crash.
My stomach is sore. That doesn’t help. Very puffy and bloated again. Uncomfortable. Need to look into gut health to see if I can combat these symptoms.
But the highlight of my day was my own counselling session. I have been able to reconnect to my therapist who helped put me back together in 2017/18. Through Skype – her face was there – her presence with me and she listened. It was so validating to be heard in that boundaried therapeutic space that exists between us.
It took me about 45 seconds before I started crying. F***. Wasn’t expecting that. I noticed I was looking at my face, my image on the screen more than I was looking at her. I was on my phone so I was quite small in the top right hand corner, as her face filled my screen. It was actually quite strange looking at myself when I was ‘in therapy’. A raw genuine version of me having a frank and open conversation with the vulnerable broken me. I was able to say things to my screen face that I had not said to anyone before – this intimate little conversation between me, myself and I. This made me think about how my clients see themselves when they are in therapy with me. I could use this technique to encourage clients to speak to their ‘screen self’ – this could produce some very powerful work for them as it did for me.
I told her all people see now when they see me is cancer not Heidi Lester
She challenged me, “All I see is Heidi Lester. On full volume”. I challenged her – “What does full volume look like to you”?
Her response? More determination, more humour, and more insisting you don’t show your vulnerability and showing you’re OK.
I took this, and the whole other 59 minutes and let it all roll around in my head like a loose marble. It did settle. Balance itself.
I am strong. I know that. Right now today I can truly connect with that and own it. I have survived four cycles of chemotherapy and I am going to cope with the next four heading my way. To feel that realization has brought some much needed validation to my internal world and self structure.