You just know it is chemo day. Eyes open. Yep. Chemo today. I used to get that similar feeling on a Sunday. Know what I mean? It just feels like a certain day. And that has settled in with chemo day – every third Wednesday. I would know the smell and feel of the day anywhere now.
I’m a little less agitated on the journey in. I’m a little less anxious walking through the double doors. And I actually don’t cry when I find my chair. The unit is empty. Just me and another guy in there. And no chemo friend. I’m flying solo today and I miss her company. Her chats and reassurance which have really boosted my confidence, helped me so much when the chemotherapy was being injected into me. She has moved her ‘drug day’ to spend precious time with her sister. I would have changed mine too but I have commitments on a Tuesday evening and I need to be well for then – so having mine on a Wednesday helps me with this. There is a fair chance I can keep to my Tuesday evenings when I start work again.
All the prep done and my chemo was already there. Couldn’t get a good vein again. Took a while but man I felt it settle in. Getting used to the process now. Lovely nurse administered my drugs so I enjoyed chatting to her – it is much easier for me talking my way through my treatment. Felt a wave of sickness when one went in – I have three different drugs going in – all pushed through slowly. Not pleasant – but it passes.
I was in and out within the hour. Nice! Back in the car chatting to my husband and daughter who were full of encouragement as to how now, I am **HALF WAY THROUGH** and this cycle will be manageable and will go as well as my last one. I love their enthusiasm as it helps but I just don’t love the ‘What if’s’ that lurk in my mind like strangers in the dark.
But I work hard at evacuating the fears and chat my way home with them. You can almost see the positive words dance in the car, like bubbles in a glass.
My family brought me half a cake to celebrate my half way through mark……
5pm came and went. I was so poorly – felt rotten to the bone. Couldn’t eat, struggled to get comfy, just felt so awful. Inside and out. Came from nowhere but my God it got me fast. I don’t think I can cope with this. I am so fed up and feel so flat. No bubbles anymore. I was buzzing yesterday and now the medicine sticks to every fiber of me and I am trying to survive its active attack.
I feel sick. I can’t move properly – slow controlled movements to keep myself stabilized. My head is hot – my mouth dry. My ribs are sore and as I breathe in and out I can feel rancid hot spikes of breath get released out. Chemo is a total bastard.
My husband is trying to comfort me, settle me. But I just want to be alone. I drift in and out of sleep – I’m in bed by 7pm. Dozing in and out of hot sweaty, fitful sleep isn’t a good place to be. I cram my anti-sickness meds in waiting for their help but sadly I don’t get their effects tonight.
Meditation on – eye mask on – sick bucket at the ready.
I AM TOTALLY F***ED OFF ONCE MORE
Bang goes the **HALF WAY THROUGH** party mood I hoped would stay from the journey home. This is the thing with chemo – you never EVER know what it will do, when and why. You cling on to what it throws at you – you talk to your body and try and soothe yourself through it. A demon inside with full view of every part of you. I don’t have the same access to my body as this fluid does and I feel very very despondent. I have no hope, feel no courage and my mood is so low. I am in a sad emotional state and I have no choice at all but to wait until the chemo has had a good old go at me and decides enough is enough.