……I was sat having a meal on the beach in Gran Canaria with my family. Unbeknown to me I’d have had breast cancer then. That makes me sit somewhere on the feelings scale between anger and sadness. How fast has that year gone? Do you ever think like that when Christmas comes around again? I do. So I set an intention today that I will very soon be sat in 04/07/21- independence day! – thinking ‘a year ago today’…..
Despite my meds and steroids I have felt sickly all day. It’s horrid – I hate it. This relentless, grim, dirty lingering feeling settled yesterday and is refusing to budge. A few people have commented I am doing better this cycle, yet right now I don’t see that. I think this is worse than last time. I hope I’m wrong and the my mind is just playing tricks on me. I want to grow in strength and resilience with each cycle not deteriorate this quickly. Such high expectations Heidi. Not sure it quite works that way girl.
What has got me through today:-
- My neighbour – she popped a card in my door – handmade and with kind words.
- My lovely English to Welsh friend – we Face timed each other and she wore her sister’s wig as a show of solidarity – very much felt her presence and love.
- My once work colleague now best comrade in cancer friend – who through streams and streams of messages, I am now realizing we have got such a lot in common besides the ‘C’ word and dodgy breasts. Except hers are ginormous and I want them!
- A beautiful food hamper arrived from my husbands friends and colleagues – it was for us all and was very thoughtful – we thank you.
- A number of other beautiful people who checked in with their love. My children’s old primary school teacher being one. Her love and compassion have been truly gratefully received. A wonderful young woman, with a gift for her job, who was sadly treated very badly by other staff members at the school. They were jealous of her and what she could do. Still sticks in my throat today what the so called ‘system’ did for not only our kind wonderful teacher but to the other people involved. Justice was not done. It was covered up and ‘made’ to go away. What goes around will come around. But…back to her….. an amazing woman who had an amazing impact on my children’s education and experience, and now she is having an amazing impact on their Mum again.
- My sister – who jabbed me then whipped out the tuning forks and worked her magic over me. A relaxing experience and it has left me feeling quite calm and serene.
My husband made food, picked up the Tesco shop and as I write this he’s watching a film with my youngest daughter. As I glance left I see half of my family doing normal stuff on a Saturday night. To their right sits me. Cold sore brewing in its usual place, mouth ulcers waiting to be swilled over with antiseptic and a baldy scratchy head waiting to sleep so it doesn’t think or feel anymore.
Tomorrow is day#5. Please let me wake up less sickly and more sprightly. I miss me so much.