I don’t quite understand why my head doesn’t move off the pillow. It’s like it is velcroed to my pillow. I peel back my eye mask which peels off as easily as it has ever done. Then I remember. I’ve no hair anymore. Just tiny prickly, spikes of hair doing their best to hold the fort for my previously long blonde (ish) hair. it’s gone now. And so is my anxiety. I chose to shave my head when I did. I am grieving – of course I am – it was my shield, my mask, – something about myself I took pride in and was proud of. I loved my hair and now that part of me has gone. And I’m left behind.
But I feel OK. I really do. I look in our en suite bathroom mirror and I’m met with my smaller than expected head. It’s now a stage for my two big green eyes. They are full of tears but they don’t match the feelings inside of me don’t represent what crying usually symbolizes. I’m looking at my reflection and what looks back is a strong, resilient woman who stood up to cancer and took a choice back. I was never going to be a frail looking victim of breast cancer. I made a silent deal with myself that I’d always try and stay as healthy as I could – both inside and outside. So whispy strands of unruly hair was something I wanted to avoid. Not all would agree but that is fine. It’s important we go with what feels right to us and not what we think we should do compared to others. Until you have been where I am today – or where you are or have been with this – you’ll have no idea what you’d do. Cancer really does broaden your understanding of human nature and human philosophy. I urge you to be who you are own your choices. You are dealing with something hideous and manipulating. Whatever you do to manage is right for you. Never ever let anyone tell you you are wrong. Stay close to your core self and trust what messages your body is telling you. Basically f*** everyone else and their opinion!
I’m interviewing today for my new counselling training course. Little do my prospective students know but what they’ll see today is a breast cancer survivor test driving her new wig!
I am encouraged by my possible new cohort and I’ve forgotten what I’m dealing with as I change gears and flip back into tutor mode. I love it. I’m good at what I do and swell with pride at what lies ahead for us all – a new journey with a group of people with expectations and enthusiasm, and a tutor ready with her knowledge and passion for what she does to facilitate every step of this. Already I see future therapists and feel excited at what my input and what their input will look like fused together.