I am on form. I am close to who I was pre-diagnosis – I’m busy – working – marking assignments – ironing bedding – cleaning out the freezer. Living the life me! I woke up shining and my day remained bright. Today I am in charge and my anxiety has been given the day off. I drive for the first time in weeks. I’m driven to appointments now thanks to the ‘just in case’ factor. Just in case I forget I have legs and arms and in charge of a whole load of metal and rubber. I drop my son off to see his friends and have the car and the music system to myself. I intend to make the next 8 miles home mine.
Introducing my most wonderful friend………
Since my life crashed into a wall I’ve been surrounded by people who have the tools needed to put me back together. A few of them would have taken the chemo for me if I had asked. One such woman is my best friend of over 20 years. We met in school when we were 13 and our friendship group blended together. Throughout school we went to the same parties, drank from the same Lambrini, made the same perming disasters, but it was in our late teens and early 20’s that we became a constant fixture in each other’s lives. It has remained that way to this day. Even though moving 100’s of miles to South West Wales put a distance there, our friendship and union has never been broken.
I want to bring her to life for you – so you get to see her and know her like I do. It’s impossible. I cannot possibly cram in every part of her in such a small space. She is one hell of a human being, and I do not want to ever see my life without her in it.
Our lives are so different now, we have children and have ‘grown up’, but a part of me will always be dancing and drinking in my house in Blackpool with her. It’s my ‘safe space’ in my head, I go to when I can’t be in my current life. We had so much fun together in Blackpool. We would go out most nights to the clubs, bars, mad places you haunt as a young adult. We have spent hours of lives drunk in each others company. I have rescued her from a mad Jewish fiances flat with bin bags in my hand and she returned the favour by rescuing me from a mad born again christian ex-husbands grip with Sauvignon Blanc in hers. No one has seen me as she has. No one has laughed at herself as much as she has. She was one crazy f***** and I loved the vitality and ‘no f****’ given attitude that exuded from her. She was (is) gorgeous. So pretty. She would light up any space she entered and she never ever fell short of admirers. I always felt like the chubbier, less confident friend, but never ever did this play out in our friendship. This was playing out in my low self esteem which riddled me during my 20’s. I just loved her company. We worked together on a few occasions too which was hilarious. We would often turn up to work pissed from the night before -stinking of alcohol and kebabs. We had the same sense of humour and the same taste in music. She went hard and I went with her!
I am saying this in past tense aren’t I? Like she, or we aren’t like that anymore. I guess, now in our mid forties we aren’t. But we are much more brilliant and beautiful, savvy and smarter. And that is partly because we have both suffered with our mental health and it’s challenges. I have watched this girl drag herself through the darkest battles, bring herself back round to some sort of normality, and try desperately through often tortured thoughts and feelings to avoid this cycle again. She is a hero to me and living proof that one mind, one person, can have the resilience, determination and strength to overcome numerous ‘lacks’ in life. What she hasn’t had she has created for herself. She has put herself back together over the last two decades so many times and still carries on, focusing on what matters to her and what she can do with each minute of her life.
Telling her I had breast cancer was so hard. I had felt I had let her (us) down. I felt she may no longer come to me first when she was struggling as she would not want to burden me or put me under any added pressure. She was desperate to visit me but with COVID and the whole risk of having a low immune system we had to press pause. Her messages come almost daily and we have got over the initial shock and anger and found ourselves safely back in our friendship – sharing utter bollocks with one another and longing for the day we will end up in the same nursing home, ranting together at the curses of our lives whilst drinking copious amounts of vodka and have other people wipe our arses. Bliss!!
The people I have had around me since diagnosis I am very very grateful for. Many of these amazing human beings do not live close to me. Even if they did they couldn’t actually come any closer to me – COVID and cancer have seen to that.
Their helpful and supportive words have often included a version of ‘No matter what, I want to be by your side’. My husband has always made this clear too. “No matter where this takes you, look either left or right and I will be there”.
A week or so ago, a song I haven’t listened to for years started to become my ear worm – ‘By my side’ by INXS. It’s a haunting soft rock melody. And I really do love INXS. Michael Hutchence – one handsome human being taken a way too early. Someone obviously had bigger plans for him.
But he left his legacy through his music and it’s remained a staple music diet of mine from tape to CD to i phone.
So……back to today
I am on my way home from dropping off my Son, and I revisit this song. I let it play loud. The roof of my car does a very good job of resisting the urge to tear off as a drive home. I can feel the weight of Michael Hutchence’s gritty vocals vibrate in my moving space. I can’t sing. But right now, nor Michael and I aren’t the slightest bit bothered. I hit repeat and remember every single word. I feel alive and no f***’s are given to the part of me that has fallen into disrepair.
Can you recall I’d told you about 2017 and the years leading up to this where I was struggling with my mental health and personal situation? I was troubled and obstacles appeared wherever I turned.
I read ‘The Secret’ by Rhonda Byrne and this formed part of my recovery. With an increased self-awareness, I started to see that I had the strength and control in the face of adversity. I changed the way I was thinking and this undoubtedly altered my life path and pointed me in a different direction.
When I was learning to manifest the life I wanted, I saw what I asked for start to appear – a car parking space, money, a new boiler, new windows for our house, and so on. During this time I would often see a Jay. Although they are the most colourful members of the crow family, Jays are actually quite difficult to see. Shy, woodland birds, they rarely move from their homes. So whenever I’d had a worthwhile day and something positively significant had come to fruition, I would see one. I’d see the distinctive flash of kingfisher blue and white fly past me. It happened mainly when I was driving. I travelled many miles a week all over the county – and there one would appear. Closely followed by my smile. It was going to be a good day……
They become to symbolize my positive attitude and optimistic outlook. As I say to my clients, ‘If you have hope, you have something’.
“The natural flights of the human mind are not from pleasure to pleasure, but from hope to hope” Samuel Johnson
Back to today….. (again!)…….
So there I am singing like my life depended on it and guess what swooshed down literally right in front of my car? A Jay!!
I burst with joy. It prickled me and left it’s mark. My eyes spring a leak. Praise the surprising power of ordinary things to create extraordinary happiness. You try singing with the corners of your mouth wanting to widen and refuse to return to their original shape!!