I woke up at 02:11 – lay there thinking about my life. The last I remember was 04:44…..
I thought about where I wanted to be a year from now. All being well I will be well again. Next summer. Maybe earlier. It seems such a long way away but as I have got older, the years seem to go by at such a fast pace. Especially when you live by college academic calendars.
I would like to set up a counselling service for people like you, me and my husband who have been effected by cancer. I could really put my energy and passion into this. I have the knowledge – but I would need help with the financial business sides of the operation. But I really feel I need to invest more time and energy into thinking this through some more. It’s a huge possibility – an opportunity to grow something great from this experience. My head is going 100 mile an hour as I dart from one idea to the next.
By 08:32am I am in the kitchen, making the tea and coffee – I am up! I am making the drinks. I feel so OK it’s electrifying. I even empty the dishwasher, feed the dog, get the washing out of the machine. It is day 4 from chemo and I feel good….please let this continue….
I laugh and joke with my husband, “Will you still find me attractive with my bald head?” I’ve no idea what my head shape is!? It’s starting to come out more now – it’s getting everywhere and I hate it when it breaks loose, hangs there and tickles the backs of my arms. It is so thin now – very little there when I run my fingers through it. I know this is the next hurdle. I know it’s going to happen soon and I think a lot about how I’m going to actually feel about it all coming off. 46 years of growth gone. But – as I learning rapidly – you can never truly prepare for any of how you feel about what mental obstacle courses cancer takes you on.
I get a whoosh of dizziness hit me hard. I’m making breakfast and all I want to do is sit down and sleep. I’m so bloody mad. I had this day sorted in my head – I had a plan – but the chemo has a different one. OK – So, I will listen to you and sit down for 10 minutes. I remind myself it’s the first day med free now – they have all finished their course. Maybe I am adjusting to this right now? I am on my own for the first time with the side effects and this is daunting to say the least. My mouth is still yucky and brass tasting. I hate the taste of water – it’s sweet now and I can’t stand anything metal in my mouth. I can still taste food though so I am grateful for that.
The weight is coming off me – just a pound or two – but I feel my body full and empty all at the same time.
I’m resting now – not sure what to do with myself.
My brother-in-law has a pub. It’s delivery only (COVID) so he’s arranged for us to collect a Sunday dinner so we don’t have to cook. I’m so grateful. Guilt is a constant companion for a mum on chemo – so at least my kids will eat well tonight. They have been eating out the freezer some nights and getting too used to it.
I am disappointed I flagged so soon after my initial burst of energy this morning. But I stay smiling. Happy to be up and washed. Happy to see the sun in the sky. My rabbits are out in the garden and I listen to their scuttles from bush to bush as they look for shade. It is warm today.
Oh!! I know what I haven’t told you about!! Chemo pee!! It’s rancid. Normal? NO idea? I can taste chemicals on my gums and my pee smells something like that but stronger. It’s disgusting. I am sure the whole world can smell me. There is still a distinct orange colour to it too. (Sorry – too much information).
I have started my injections last night too.
You take them for seven days after each treatment. They go into your stomach and help your bone marrow make new white blood cells. So super important. I ask my husband to do it – he’s anxious and has to take a moment out of the conversation. It’s something to do with them being injected into my stomach which sets him off. So my eldest daughter decides she will do it. I have been told what to do, but under the fear and dread of the chemo being in me for the first time, I fail at pulling the conversation into my head. So we watch a You Tube video! Still we have no clue how this is going to go. I lay down and grab a few inches of belly chub and she aims the needle towards me. I am not sure what happened in the moment, but I pulled back like my life depended on it!! This does not feel right at all. We all start shouting at one another – we have no idea and our voices tally in unison. I ring my sister – she’s a nurse. She tries to talk us through it on face time.
18 minutes later she is masked up and walking down my drive. She attempts to demonstrate to my family how to inject a shot of power packing liquid into my stomach. This couldn’t feel any more strange. Another reminder how life changes when you least expect it to.