OK, as I write this now I have had wine. It’s the day after my results. I do not care right now. A reminder of how life used to be. It’s great! Six to eight clients a day – or if not – I’d be working ten/twelve hours a day and loving it. Hell I was busy – but I was happy. I didn’t have any threat of life leaving me early or morning coming too soon. I lived for my work and work really mattered. So what matters right now? My family? My sanity? My identity? My cat? It all matters. It has never mattered so much to me. I am on the frontier of a whole new way of thinking. I have accumulated so much in my life – so have you. Things, feelings, memories, trauma, regret, remorse, joy….. I am entering into a deep reflective period of my life now and all the signs I feel, taste, see and smell all indicate the same thing. I will never ever be the same again.
I have my first appointment with the Oncologist tomorrow. The crazy cancer train is in full swing. This moves so fast you hardly get to stop and take in the view. He will tell me what will now happen and how they will treat me. I have to meet him via a video call rather than face to face. Gutted about this actually. I like human contact and right now it is lacking. No one can hug me or even see me face to face which I have found difficult. I remain in my lock down bubble. This connotation can carry a negative feeling – like you go through life oblivious to what’s happening around you. That could not be further from the truth for me. Conversely, I am someone who refuses to let the world’s disorder and dysfunction affect them, someone who has evaluated their outer world, who knows what’s going on in it, warts and all, and is trying to relate to a lot of it. I am a work in progress.
My sister-in-law video calls me. I love her more than life itself. She feels me and I feel her. Her roots are shining through the phone (COVID!!) but so is her love . She actually suits the root!! She cry’s. I cry. I reassure her, “We’ll be together at Christmas” – and I believe it. I smell the turkey – the aura of the big day – I see the Coca Cola ‘holidays are coming’ advert in my minds eye. I smile. I feel warm and connected to normality and I’m not ready for it to go. I get a sharp pain in my right breast. My head bursts with a momentarily feeling of fear and doubt. Have they lied to me? Am I really dying and this has been a big cover up? Bastards. Would they really lie to me? I want to know everything I can about what is happening to me and I do not want to be ever deceived or misled. The reality bites and I spring back to the present. Making friends with the moment takes me some time.