There. First week in the 20% club done. Named as 80% of breast lumps examined and biopsied are benign. Mine clearly wasn’t. Looking back now – actually not too bad. Is this a way of me protecting myself and preparing for the day ahead or is this my reality? I am not sure if I will ever know. But I take the feeling and go with it. Tears a plenty today – but I have had a few days off them too. I’m expecting them today but hopefully coming through the filters of relief. I smile as I think about this thought. Actually feeling ‘happy’ with just having cancer in the one place. A total head f***. Who the hell would be happy to just have cancer? But it’s cancer with a life at the end of it that I am craving right now. Maybe one day you will see me write this here? Cancer has changed me as it will change you. I pray I am one of those people who prosper and grow in the most remarkable ways despite the outcome today. Let me be one of those remarkable people you see or read about who take every last gracious breathe to the end full of integrity and peace. I want to be the one who thrives in this 20% club, then I join another club ‘The cancer survivor’. I bet they have some bloody fun in that one! A thought creeps in….you know those people who find God, sober up, or find veganism, then all they want to do is share their awakenings with you? Shit no. I don’t want to turn into that do I? Boring anyone who will listen that I am a survivor! I am sure Gloria Gaynor will have a lot to say about that!
But I do believe things happen for a reason and look to the time where I can do my cancer maths – Cancer + Heidi = ?
OK – WHAT I KNOW….
~Just because it is grade 3 does not necessarily mean it has spread
~Some grade 3’s don’t spread
~Lymph vascular invasion not identified – THIS IS A GOOD THING – THIS IS POSITIVE – THIS MEANS IT HAS NOT GOT PAST THE BREAST YET ‘THIS IS WHAT WE ARE LOOKING FOR’. ‘WE DON’T EXPECT TO SEE ANYTHING IN THE SCAN’…..or so I am told….
~On first examination my lymph nodes were ‘normal’.
~On the second ultra sound scan I’m told (I was gone at this point 8 mins after diagnosis) there was nothing to feel other than a ‘slightly swollen’ lymph node.
I really need to read this and feel it deep within – I am visualizing my meeting – ‘The CT scan is clear and there’s no evidence of the cancer in your lymph nodes’.
I do hope I like my new consultant. Having felt unsafe, unheard and misunderstood I need this relationship to anchor and soothe me. I need to feel her beside me and with me. I need to know she believes in me and my body’s ability to heal itself. I need to come away today with positive news, a plan and a focus. I’ll smash the hell into it then. You’ll see.