My daughter has a hamster. When he first wakes, you see him sniff the air – his tiny black eyes blink at his discoveries. I feel like him today – just now. I sniff in the morning air and scan my body. Am I still feeling healthy and happy? The pain of Tuesday has definitely diluted a little – but the real inner peace isn’t truly there like it was yesterday. But I am OK with that. I have to be. A short meditation reminds me I am in control and what I think I am. I post a few replies on Cancer Chat – I want others to have hope. But then I worry I am coming across a bit too much and might offend people with my opinions. I can be too keen sometimes so filter what I say. Ensuring my responses are as well balanced as I can put them today. I am a little taken aback at the change in my mindset. Nothing has actually changed has it? Tuesday did happen and I do have cancer. But there has been a shift in my thinking. I know to cure (or should that be soothe?) myself I need to feel happy and healthy and grateful. So I find myself pondering on ways to manufacture this genuinely within my consciousness.
I am desperate to help others. It’s an innate unconscious driver. To be needed and effective. How can I find the joy I need by helping others? Is the answer to be what I am already? A skilled active listener? How can I use my 20 years experience as a therapist? So I put my stuff aside – and start to think. How can I have my story heard and at the same time listen to others, with empathy, – not judging or advising, or guiding? How can I let someone else in my position know I am there? I want to do what I know I can do well. Be in that space with another human being offering warmth, my presence and compassion. I need a purpose and a focus. I can do that now. I have a real sense inside that I have to progress this feeling I have.
I get the phone call today to tell me I have an appointment on Tuesday 2nd June at 2pm with my new consultant in LLanelli. This is moving so fast now – why? I try and question the messenger on the phone – ‘has it spread?’, ‘why are you seeing me so quickly’? She has no answers just sympathy. She must get very tired of the likes of me wanting the unknown to be known. So I have a date now. I know that in a few short days I will know my time frame and how long I have left of my life. My head is pulsating. I am prowling the house. I can’t settle – I am in then outside. I share my news with my friends and family – their optimism washes over me. I dare myself to reach it and bring it in. I have to do something with this energy – I need to do something. I cannot sit here until Tuesday on full charge. And then it all comes clear to me. I know what I will do.
I will write a blog. I will publish my journey and my feelings and share myself with as many who want to join me. Now I feel odd. I am going to open myself up to my friends, my family and who knows who else? I will share myself and my experiences with others. I will do what I have encouraged so many others to do over the last two decades. A notoriously guarded girl, I have always tried to hide who I really am and how I’m really feeling. But I might just find it easier to open up to you, to peel off my layers and start to form my new identity now I have breast cancer.
I quickly announce my latest decision to my family before I change my mind. I am overwhelmed by their responses. Suddenly, it is starting to make sense. I can turn this journey into something more than it is right now. I might die. I might write a final post to say my goodbyes, but I will be leaving something of worth behind for my children. They will know cancer took me, but they will know cancer left something behind too. My words.