I have been working a lot with these two issues this week. They are the best of friends and can be difficult to pull apart. You would have experienced one or both of these feelings at some point in your life. I have had both in different measures throughout my time here on planet earth. My depression has usually be situational and related heavily to my dysfunctional and abusive childhood, not to mention my first marriage which was a very difficult time for me. My anxiety has come from negative thinking, fear, overthinking and not being in control. I thought I would bring these to my blog to try and help you understand their purpose and how to manage these feelings better.

We, as a nation are in lockdown now. As of 6pm tonight, we can no longer go out and do anything other than shop for essential items. Now, this hasn’t caused me any problems at all. As COVID is rising (albeit slowly) in my county, I have stopped leaving the house. I go to Withybush hospital, or the Doctors. This is it. I do not go to any shops or anywhere where I now feel quite vulnerable. The first lock down brought me so much joy and freedom. The weather was warm and I stepped out of my chaotic life and into a space of serenity and calm. It was fabulous. The diagnosis put a swift halt to that. So, as I head into a mini lockdown here in Wales, I am nearing the end of my treatment and I have become well-versed in all things cancer and chemo.

I am getting quite tired of the thinking systems I have on loop. I am getting bored of the constant head banging I am doing (not to anything heavy metal), rather to the sounds of the side effects and their impact on me. So, as a family we decide to give ourselves the weekend off talking about the two big ‘C’s that have engulfed us for months. I need the break so do they. I get a slither of fear flick my core. This is going to be hard – NOT thinking about the one thing that had dominated my thoughts since May 14th. I rise to the challenge and bring in a number of anti-thinking techniques I have found useful for me along the way.

So, with a clear head, as I sit and write this – I reflect on what resonates with me – what I can share that may help some of you with the feelings and experiences of anxiety and depression.

“If you are depressed you are living in the past.
If you are anxious you are living in the future.
If you are at peace you are living in the present.”

I came across this Chinese philosopher in 2018 when I was reading my way back to full mental health. Lao Tzu’s philosophy advocates naturalness, spontaneity and freedom from social conventions and desires. In the Tao, which means the way, Lao Tzu refers to the ultimate order of things and ultimate basis of reality.

How would it feel if I suggested anxiety is negative thinking focused on the future? If you are focused on the future, you are probably anxious. You may be worried about how badly things could turn out, or worried that the decisions you made yesterday won’t help you as much as what you might have hoped. You may be consumed by the ‘What if’s’, and the anticipatory anxiety within you loves nothing more than seeing you bow under the fear factor. Have you noticed the more anxious you feel, the more negative the thought systems? This is one hell of a cycle to be hooked into.

Depression is negative thinking about the past. You’re either comparing today to how good things used to be in the past, or you are second guessing decisions you made or actions you took some time ago. You may also be ruminating about failed relationships, friendships and career and education experiences.

Being stuck in the middle of these two destructive giants can cause damaging and long-term effects on your mental health and emotional well-being.

So, what’s the answer? What’s the antidote to our negative thinking streams?

To bring in a sense of normality here….I guess pretty much all of us have some anxiety about the future, and are somewhat depressed about the past from time to time, or about certain things in our lives. That appears to be normal human behavior. Especially true when you have been faced with cancer.

If depression comes from the past, and anxiety lies in the future – isn’t the obvious thing to do, is stay in the here and now – in the moment. If we are focused on this moment we are mostly at peace, and can reach contentment and some joy. By focusing on what can be done, and doing it right now, we are doing the best we can, and that is all we can ever ask of ourselves. Focusing on the present keeps our attention on the important tasks, on the things we have (hopefully) selected as some of the most important things we need to accomplish at that time. It helps us to live a life with fewer regrets about the past, and less anxiety for the future. Why? Because we stay focused and don’t allow the parallel thinking to overtake us and fool us into thinking negatively.

Try this when you are ruminating about the past. First of all become familiar with what you are doing. Own it. See what is happening and you can change it. Being ignorant will feed the fear. Notice yourself thinking about the past. Ask yourself what you are getting from these thoughts about the past. What is the purpose? If you find that you aren’t drawing anything useful or helpful from the thoughts of the past that you might be able to use in your present or in your future, STOP. Instead challenge the thinking. Ask yourself questions like ‘what lessons can I learn from this experience?’ You actually might be surprised with your response. You might be able to transform something that you once saw as distressing, into something more constructive. Your thoughts are not facts remember. You have complete control over the way you filter your life experiences.

Let’s look at what we might have been anxious about when we focus into the future. Anxiety tends to have triggers. What are yours? Common ones include not feeling good enough, or worthful enough, or scared you won’t be able to do something and others will judge you. You may be triggered by social and group situations. These are often about being judged or worried what how others may think of you.

Can you think of certain specific times when that was the case for you? When and how did the anxiety abate? Did you change focus and get over it, or did it remain until the event moved from future to past? How well did that work for you? Chances are it remained and grew in strength and you may have even avoided the situation that led the trigger.

The more you avoid any anxious situations, the more you reinforce the anxiety. Try staying with the difficult feelings until they pass. They will. The more you can understand that your filter is faulty, and really work at understanding your fears and re-framing your thinking the more in control you will be.

Now, let us look at the present. When have you been calm, collected, and going with the flow? When have you been living in the moment? Did you waste any time or energy on regret or anxiety? Can you remember a time like that? I can and I have evidence of such moments in this blog.

This change in thinking habit isn’t going to change over night. But it can change and it can bring you some much deserved head space and relief. Let me know how you get on.