A mixture of two halves – Saturday rain, and as it’s weekend~3 I’m feeling OK. Sunday it didn’t stop raining. So I try and get some marking done and clean the house. I take my time. I am slowing down and tasks now take me much longer. I’m coming to terms with this in my own way. I think as I can see the end now – of the chemo – I am accepting my body has took an absolute battering.
Grateful the homeopathic remedy is still working. I’m full of vitamins, supplements and as much water as my body can hold. I’m putting on weight now too. But not a ‘fat’ weight. It’s a chubby retention weight. I hate it. I hate having to wear clothes that don’t cut me in half. Baggy, unflattering elastic waisted trousers. If I use the word ‘slacks’, kill me. So, my ‘pre-cancer’ wardrobe is gathering dust and I am limited to what I can wear comfortably.
I want so much to go clothes shopping. I won’t because I don’t intend to buy clothes I don’t intend to get much use out of, and there is COVID in Swansea and Cardiff so that’s out of the question. Oh – and going through chemo means shielding and staying out of the way of human life.
Talking of chemo – I’m starting to think about my exit out of the treatment. Typical me. I have the desire to make the most out of any situation and experience I have.
Like being on holiday in Disneyland. This was amazing – a real fantastic and magical place to spend 14 days with the most important people in my world. We planned all of the activities and parks beforehand. Where we would go – which park on which day – even down to where we would eat on most nights. As you can imagine there is such a lot to see and do, and with limited time we wanted to pack in as much as possible.
It feels like that now. I’m aware of this creeping feeling. I’ve less than 4 weeks to go and a flare of anxiety goes up inside me every few hours. I know this because of this internal panic inside of me. A voice, sometimes a whisper, sometimes a shreek – ‘Have I done what I needed to whilst going through chemo’.
To answer this, I reflect on my aims – what did I want to do with this 5 month period of my life where I would co-exist with chemo and it’s side effects on not only my body, but my brain too?
I have to take some time to think about this answer.
I need to put my pen down and absorb what I
am asking myself.