Well, I will start with he truth. When I was diagnosed with breast cancer I did not think I would see my 47th birthday. They may sound dramatic and naïve now – nearly 5 moths in – but I really thought I was going to die from the 4cm grade 3 stranger that was nuzzling itself nicely in my right breast. It had a plan – but the chemo had another one.
So, thankfully as I wake up today, family around me, hair tufts on their way back through; all I feel is relief. Gratitude too. That makes itself known to me. We open cards, gifts, and we laugh. They have no idea the noise in my head but I smile and genuinely enjoy the few moments I see as the best gift I could ever have had. I am alive and I am doing OK. The chemo is working, I have two sessions left and as we stand right here, right now, all is looking optimistic.
I work as usual – and the group make a fuss of me too – which is lovely. I was not one for the whole birthday thing, but this year, I am a different person, in a different place with different motives. Today, I want to stop and take a moment and reflect on what has just happened. Cancer happened to me. It is still happening to me and the fact it just so happens to be my birthday, really doesn’t matter. I will still have cancer tomorrow. But I am hopeful today. I stay with that and refuse to be dragged into tomorrow, or next year, or next birthday.
The messages, cards and gifts arrive. Hell I am so lucky. People care and they want me to have a good day. Thank you to all of you for taking the time to [let me know this. I embrace it, suck up the energy and it sits in every fiber of me. Acting like a barrier to the worry that I am determined will not ruin the day.
We had Chinese, wine and family time. They really did make time for me in their busy teenage lives. Even the phones went off and they sat with me – chatting. We did normal and normal was amazing. I want more of that please.
I launched my blog too tonight. I am so nervous, but with a big dollop of excitement on the top of it. They melt together like ice cream and sauce. These emotions dribble through me, cold like ice cream. I feel them wriggle around and ask myself over and over again if I am doing the right thing. Should I just keep this to myself? I wanted to be heard, but maybe I have – maybe hearing myself is enough? Validating hat has happened to me, and the life changing impact this has had on me is important. So I go on and on at my husband – looking for him to give me the answer. To publish and promote or not? He tells me straight. You need to share this and share hope and truth with as many as you can. The Facebook page is done, and now as he presses what he needs to, it all happens in seconds. I have been worried about this for months and in seconds I have let it free. I have sent out my internal dialogue, fears, anxieties and intimate, personal thinking’s into the world, and I am now at the mercy of other people. Suddenly, the world feels tiny. Who on earth will actually want to read this? It is depressing. It is sad, But it is real, and that is always what has driven me. I want to be congruent – and I know this is taking time to get to, but I try hard. Fail hard. But keep giving it a go. It is teaching me so much about being human. This whole experience has spun me out, screwed me over and yet I keep going. Turning each corner, and hoping the law of attraction and my positive outlook will get me through.
So far it has. I am broken and I am whole. I am scared and I am strong.
I had a great birthday today. I felt cared for and appreciated. And by far the most amazing gift I got was this…….
Mr Boo, my handsome puss on my facemask!!
I hope if you have a birthday today, or it has just gone or close by – you too have a day you deserve x