Like I smell. It’s 00:21 am and I can’t sleep. I am feeling ‘rank’. I have stomach ache and the gripes and my insides are refusing to rest. Every 10 minutes I get up – a sickly pain in my abdomen – like I need the toilet. It is absolutely shite. Zopliclone ain’t working, so I decide to try distraction and start journaling. If I suddenly stop, you’ll know the Zopiclone has kicked in…..
Physically I am decaying. Same time in the cycle as before. Docetaxel has extended it’s grip. The palms of my hands are dry – live with that. Feet are sore and skin is flaking off the soles of my feet – live with that. Restless legs – live with that. Stomach and bowel cramps (at night) – live with that. Background sore throat – live with that. Chemo brain – live with that. Painfully sore yellow layered mouth, heavy layered fizzy tongue, zero taste buds and appetite, ulcers in my left nostril that are unbelievably painful and cannot be touched…..
CANNOT F***ING LIVE WITH THAT.
Phoned the chemo yesterday and today. Sent pictures of my mouth/nose/throat/nose/tongue to my Oncologist. His PA replied with ‘It is not oral thrush’. These feelings are familiar and utterly miserable to live with. I am not imagining this. So – it must be chemo driven side effects. I fell across a pharmacist today who is based at my GP surgery. I was chasing up a prescription which hadn’t been prepared correctly. She was amazing. ‘Your problem is now my problem’. She chased up everyone I need to prescribe the meds and phoned me with updates throughout the day. Very tentative and empathic.
VALIDATION THAT:-
A) I’M NOT GOING MAD
B) I’M NOT A HYDRACHONDRIAC
C) I AM NORMAL
I draped in her in my thanks and gratitude before we hung off from one another. She will have no idea how much her words made a huge difference to my mental health. MY husband ran to the chemist and brought two bags of goodies back because she took the time to listen to me and she tried to understand how I was feeling.
Want to see what day 6 of taking Docetaxel looks like?
Like this……
My daily routine to support the side effects. Some are taken in the morning – some throughout the day – and the rest at night……..
This concoction is mainly due to what I have learnt has supported me throughout this treatment. I’m amazed at how I have adapted to survive the onslaught of what now feels like a daily attack. I didn’t recover last cycle and I am fearful that that will continue to be the same.
I spend much time pondering about the different cycles and how differently I have coped. Sometimes AC wins this row. Did I really fair better and with a greater quality of life on that? I could go for hours on this debate and would probably never be able to settle this argument unless I read my blog again right from the start. The thought of that terrifies me actually. Maybe I set up a poll for you to decide? Actually I would love your opinion!
Which do you think I’ve coped better on?