Vulnerable. Hormones? Something is not right. No feeling in my tongue, roof of my mouth, fingers and toes. I’m OK with that. But mentally I am weak and crawling on my belly trying to find peace with what I am going through. How can you zone out of the white noise in your head? I feel heavy with the burden of what has happened and what is still to come. I no longer look forward to journaling as I don’t feel I have anything different to say. I feel I am on repeat all the time.
I feel I am boring you and I want to take my thoughts offline and crawl back into a hole and leave you all be.
I’m being told to slow down. I hate being told what to do. I want to tell you to shove your opinions up your arse. I’m just over 7 weeks to ‘THE END’ – so I’ll be buggered if I am slowing down now.
Another colleague of mine has been diagnosed with breast cancer. She has been passed the envelope too. I contact her. Of course I do. I want to help and be there to listen. Every single part of me wants to rescue her and tell her she’ll cope and get through to the other side. Like me she is optimistic and strong. She has had her op and now is mentally preparing herself for chemo. Hell I wish we were at the unit on the same day. She goes for her first treatment 6 days before me. We arrange a phone call and we spend over an hour exchanging words, feelings and thoughts only breast cancer girls can.
She asks me the same questions I asked me once colleague now best friend. I have answers! I have opinions! I have tips to survive! I have chemo experience and I bake her in it. I tell her some of my journey and I share what I have learnt. There is almost an art to going through and coping with chemo and now for the first time in my cancer career I’m giving support, compassion and guidance to an apprentice! I’m middle management now and I am keen to share my wisdom to others on the starting blocks.
I don’t want to bombard her or anyone, with ‘me, me me’, so I am watching that I don’t. This is not the Heidi show. I hope what I impart helps her and I hope she feels she can and will cope with the chemo.
Later on today, I message my colleague now best friend…..
