The new term at college has landed, and I am mixed up about the way this makes me feel. Life isn’t normal for anyone right now, and college’s and school’s are developing their new normal’s. But getting cancer on top of a life of uncertainty kind of throws a whole load of emotions in with it. I am a washing machine filled with white’s and darks – the cycle won’t recognize there is a mistake waiting to happen inside it’s drum, but we both know when the spin has ended, what we get out is not what we put in. That describes how I am feeling now…. a mixture of greys, bland, non descriptive colours. I am not in college, it is the start of the new term, and I am half way through chemotherapy. This is not what I ever thought a first day term would ever look like. I feel the world has kicked back into life, leaving me far behind. I have no way of catching up. My grey out of shape life could not be further away from your bright coloured life. I am sad and then angry, and then sad again. I take solace in the fact everyone will be feeling a little out of sorts today, as they head back to what the college has now had to put in place to keep them safe and educated.
I actually felt on top form today which was areal surprise after a flat, teary and anxiety ridden day yesterday. My mind was sharp and my brain well ahead of my thinking. I felt very very close to my professional self and adored every minute of it. To feel alive, in control, and switched on is magical. What a shame this electrifying positive energy force saved itself for the last day of this half way mark cycle.
NOTE TO BRAIN: KICK IN FASTER NEXT TIME!
Have you read the book ‘The Power of Now’ by Eckhart Tolle? If you are interested in leaving your analytical mind and it’s ego behind you may find some supportive answers in this book. It gave me something to ponder over – a lot to consider about mind strategies. As it’s title suggests – and I talked about this recently – how we can unleash the unhappiness in our minds (which effects every element of our self, life, and direction), by stopping resisting the NOW. The book is designed to be a day to day guide for handling stress – a self help book promoting the impatience of living in the present moment and transcending thoughts of the past and future.
I draw on a variety of personal techniques to ensure I keep on track. ‘The Secret’ app, a few regular pages in the book get skimmed often, I re-read messages of support from people (never fails to help and kick your ass in to remembering what you are actually going through right now), and reaching out to my husband. I am also in counselling myself – my dumping ground for the mental and physical discomfort that tinges my body, mind and soul.
My husband didn’t need it spelling out to him today. he could see in my eyes I was brighter and was no longer sending out the f***ed off and fed up face he has come accustomed to since cancer took me like it did. He had a much earned day off today so I left him to his down time as I worked in preparation for the chemo tomorrow. I like to be quiet the day before treatment – thoughtful moments trickle in during the day and I know by keeping busy as I do, this are minimal and left offensive for me.
I know he is buckling under the pressures of full time work, caring for his family in our now cancer covered life. But his integrity and tenacity for his work role and schedule have to be admired. Up, dressed and at his new office outside. he moves at such a speed he knocks me dizzy. The new outside office/therapy room, away from our family space is so beneficial to us all. He actually feels now like he is ‘going to work’, which to him has great significance.
He enjoys his work and puts his entire effort in. I think he has done a remarkable job to transition through COVID and cancer. Resilient, determined, proud and not one to fail. I guess that it how he has done it – got this far. I know as I write this I see I could write this sentence about myself.
Maybe we have more in common than I think?