When a client does not show for their counselling appointment I record them as a DNA – ‘Did Not Attend’. My Monday chemo crash was a DNA. I am beyond happy right now. Monday came and left without the dismal feelings of general un-wellness, and shitty, yucky, bland feelings that are normally on full pelt in my body. First Monday after chemo resembles beige. Today I have moved to orange. I was a different colour, and I sucked in and relished every minute of this Monday DNA feeling.
I have not wore my wig since chemo. Actually feels more normal now to me. I no longer get the mini shocks of reality staring back at me when I catch glimpses in the mirrors or windows at home. I just see me now. With tiny bristles popping out of my head. I am mindful of how I touch my head though. Especially when I am resting or watching TV. I have some bald patches on my head and I’ve found my hands wandering to said bare patches and touching them. Weird. I don’t know why I do it. But I do stop myself now.
I was brushing my teeth this morning and my husband came in to our en suite, chatting away to me about something or another and he did the same. Just let his hand rub the contours of my brillo pad which is now my hairless head. Strange!
Maybe my head just sends out this signal? You know like pregnant bellies do? You see a woman in full bloom of pregnancy and you automatically reach to smooth her bump. I have done it before. People have done it to me. I thought that was strange too.
Touch has been found to reduce stress, heart rate and blood pressure. I’ve looked into the power of touch more since thinking about this today. I have read that touch can lower the rate of Cortisol in the body (especially in women). This has a positive knock-on effect – it helps support our bodies immune system! Ha ha! Maybe subconsciously I am soothing myself by stimulating my receptors to human touch. After all our skin is our largest organ and very responsive to our external environment. I’m now thinking its another language I’ve become aware of on my journey with cancer. It’s another way of me communicating with myself – comforting myself – I’m bonding more with myself and the challenges I’m overcoming with each thought, feeling and day that passes.
Talking of such challenges, I have got that weird zap-like feeling in my face. I had numb places on my cheeks last cycle that spun me out a little. I am aware they are creeping back. I feel it in my eye lids too. They feel like they’ve got pins and needles. When I blink I feel a sensation I cannot explain. I feel like it takes me four times as long to blink as it should??