A different Oncologist phoned me Thursday. A lady. I was slightly disappointed it wasn’t the usual Doctor. It’s important to me to build up trusting relationships with my health professionals. I don’t like the fact it’s a phone call appointment anyway. I’s much prefer a video call – more personal. Plus my original Oncologist has actually seen me so I know who I am talking to also. I’ve put a face to the name.
But she was warm and genuinely did try to listen to my ramblings and she did answer all my questions. I do think she may have been relieved when after 40 minutes of inquiring and interrogation I was satisfied enough to let her leave the call!
Got more information about my cancer. Stuff I knew but needed refreshing on. Felt more optimistic than anything else as I tried to summarize to my husband the entire conversation. Then I burst into tears. What’s really hit me this time round, this cycle is the enormity of what I am living through. I’ve found the gateway to such difficult thinking very very hard. I’m so close to tears pretty much all of the time. This I have found debilitating. My thinking has seriously been effected and I feel under a constant threat of emotional vulnerability. It pierces me and knocks me off guard, leaving raw open spaces in my mind for other intrusive and frightening thoughts to gather and develop. Very dark borderline insane thoughts have been in my mind all week.
I can often outrun my demons but not this week.
I’m not as OK as I pretend to be. And I struggle massively with the discrepancy between what I’m actually feeling and what I actually want to say. I have lost the spark that makes me and I’m really angry I feel so helpless and out of control.
‘It’s inevitable you’ll have ups and downs and feel like this when you have cancer’ – I bet you have been told that, or read it somewhere. A true statement. I am testimony to that, but I am not OK with this today. I’m not sure I ever will be. The way I need my treatment to progress does not incorporate periods of low mood or fear. I’m fighting so many feelings of how I DO NOT WANT TO FEEL right now I’m losing sight of reality. What am I trying to avoid? What do I think would happen if I accepted I’m not feeling particularly good or even OK right now? I’ve seen the red flag in my thinking and I need emotional support. So I’ve arranged counselling and my assessment is next Thursday