The summer has come off furlough and returned back to work today. Who knows for how long? It’ll probably go back into to lock down now I have said this. So, I bring my journal, my sunglasses and my very weak excuse for a glass of wine and sit outside in the garden. Inadvertently I sat at the same chair I last sat on when my husband shaved my hair off. It’s covered in all my old locks, they have gathered in a little pile in the corners. My stomach lets out a bellow of grief. Ouch. Didn’t see that coming. But that shoots off and soon finds remnants of other uncomfortable feelings that have been simmering below the surface all day. The most prominent being anger – then envy – then sorrow.
My lovely New Zealand friend video called me this morning (her evening) for a few hours. Loved that and the connection we still have despite 1000’s of miles between us. She is one of those true true friends. I can be me and she can be her. No manufactured bullshit which I despise. Cancer really has excelled my mission to never be with people who I can’t truly be myself around. I started to cull some friendships over the last few years – just becoming mindful of how the dynamics were in between us and how this wasn’t settling well within me. I am also guessing with them too. I don’t fit everyone. You do the mundane chat and barely tickle the surface of ‘life’, and that’s OK but I have a gusto for depth – and realness – and just love being with people who push and challenge me and make me think and talk. I am way too opinionated sometimes and this is something I have to manage and be careful with. I have a voice and I want to share it with you but do need to maybe find a filter.
True confidence is a feeling of self-assurance grounded in a congruent experience of your own ability. I have felt this many times since 2017. I don’t feel this when I have to fake my presence or the contents of my conversations around those I am not at ease with. It flairs something quite unpleasant in me, and I have backed off from the ‘let’s pretend’ ego I have relied on to get me through a challenging childhood. It’s bloody hard and I make huge mistakes – I often beat myself up for not being ‘good enough’.
Limiting beliefs which will stem from life lessons and repeated experiences where a person’s perception of each experience has made them conclude that they are unworthy in some way, keeps the ‘not good enough’ system working overtime. But I try and counteract that, and I suppose that is the point. I am aware so I can change and then only can I grow as an individual. This is a life long process, it’s about investing in yourself so you can manage yourself effectively regardless of what and whom gets in the way and tries to stall you. It’s about being productive and making things happen rather than being formed about by what has happened. Cancer may have your life right now – it has mine. But I would encourage us both to think about what we would like from life when this either leaves us or remains part of our existence.
I am thinking of you x