By 4am, I had eaten all my biscuits in my little plastic tub and was on my second brew.
I caught up with personal/work emails as I sat listening to my husband snore and my stomach ask for more food. Steroids are clearly still taking their toll. I am not taking any today so I Google how long they stay in your system for. It appears they are very necessary to treat inflammation in your body. They act like your own body’s hormones and they also help minimize delayed nausea and vomiting. Kinda stuck with them aren’t I? I was taking more this cycle to help ride out the chemo crash but I can safely say they weren’t successful at this. I want to ring my Oncologist now and debate this matter with him.
I do think my sleep was better first cycle than this. You have probably guessed by now that I am one of these cancer patients that need to know everything and ask everything. I bet I am an Oncologist’s worse nightmare.
Everybody’s chemo ride is different….I’ve always made a point of telling you that……
I never want you to think my opinions and experiences are right and your’s aren’t. Like a counsellor/client relationship I can’t possibly presume I know how you feel because I have had a similar experience myself.
But one decision I did make before starting chemo was NOT to trawl the internet and find out what chemotherapy is, what it does and how it is going to feel. The Oncologist explained this is enough detail – don’t be afraid to ask – even if you think the questions are stupid. They aren’t. This is your body – your life – your cancer – you are totally unique and deserve to be treated that way. Settle for no less. This was one of the best decisions I made during this journey. It kept my mind open to possibilities and did not allow any major expectations to become a bench mark for the should’s and should not’s.
I work a lot with should’s and should not’s in my practice. It’s surprising how many people are ignited like pilot lights when they interconnect these words with their personal expectations. ‘I should not drink wine’, I should not eat cake’, ‘I should not say how I really feel’, ‘I should forgive and forget’, or ‘I should be a better person’. It can be used to express a myriad of feelings – often difficult ones, like regret, anger, shame or resentment.
As a person centered counsellor, with the philosophy that supports positive control and self-direction of people’s own lives, these words really are loaded and cause much personal damage to our internal dialogue. It will hamper personal relationships and also set you up for a guaranteed personal failure. When we use the word “should,” we’re not accepting our truth – our reality. We’re talking about things that we wish were not happening, or vice versa. When you use the word “should” when talking to yourself, is it motivated by a lack of self-acceptance rather than encouragement? Think about it.
What can we replace it with? Try this. Next time you find yourself casting this word around, stop and think about why you are using it? How does it feel? Does using these words make you feel good? Does it fit with your own personal values and set of beliefs or are you fooling yourself into anxiety and insecurity?
Try re-playing the sentence or command to yourself again with the would ‘could’ or ‘I would like to because…’. This way you are seeing the realistic values into doing something. For example, ‘I would like to go for a run as I always feel better afterwards….’.
If you don’t you don’t. You choose not to and that is OK. Be with that choice. It is your life and the last thing you or any of us need more of is implicit self-criticism. You are moving forward and trying to be the best you can be – cancer or not. Don’t let anything get in the way of your self-progression and development as a human being. There is only one of you remember – and no one has the power of you unless you give it to them.
