I’m saying this over and over again. I have already been told I’m likely to respond the same this time but I am compelled to micro-manage and orchestrate my thinking.
Control is typically a reaction to the fear of losing control. I’ve already established I need to be in control (who knew?!) and I’m fearful of being at the mercy of others. This fear has stemmed from a number traumatic events that have left me feeling helpless and vulnerable. This is particularly problematic when it comes to getting on an aeroplane. Last time we went to Florida I had more diazepam and Zopiclone to put a normal person on their arse for a few days. Not me! I bounced off the plane, into our hotel, unpacked, dressed, washed, and was in Hollywood Studios raring to go at 9pm at night. This is the power of your thinking. The power of my thinking stopped the medicines really doing their work – they did calm me of course – hence how I got on the bloody thing and off again. I can’t ever see myself flying without theses resources. Quite literally, it is a a huge challenge to overcome these existing beliefs and fears when I am running on autopilot (mind the pun!)
I have worked on ‘bitter envy’ thank you but cancer has brought me another head maze to complete. So, in the privacy of your own consciousness – the theater of your mind – you create your own sense of reality. Neuroscientists have discovered that repetitive thoughts from neural pathways as neurons that fire together get wired together. So the more a thought is activated and reinforced the stronger the neural pathways become and they quickly become your ‘go to’ way of perceiving. Maybe there is something to be said for it all ‘being in your own mind’? The power of the human thought I have regarding my cancer, chemo and side effects HAS to be challenged to be changed. THIS IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY EH?
I’m sitting here stressing about getting past 21:30, its 21:00, as this was the last time after the first cycle I started to feel the side effects crawl in.
My incorrect perception of this is being fired up by a default switch I have entrenched in me. Bit like the cancer. I am at danger of these self-fulfilling prophesies running in the forefront of my thinking.
I need to bring fresh awareness to this moment and allow these fears to change direction. You and I have the ability to consciously direct our thoughts through another filter, therefore creating more of what we want in our own lives. This can be practiced in all areas of your life – not just with your cancer diagnosis.
So what do I want to think about right now?
That it doesn’t matter in the slightest about the time tonight. It doesn’t matter if I start to dip tomorrow or at 22:32. I’m going to dip somehow. That’s pretty much given. What matters now is I need to be. Just be. I need to let go of my presumed story and wait for the new one to be written.
I’ve got the pen already – I have just written this post!
Goodnight x x