The next morning……..
Lifting my eye mask, ear plugs pulled out, I scan my body then my mind. Did I sleep well? I don’t know. I can’t remember but I know I feel OK. Both body and mind appear aligned to one another. Both feel well and I let out a sigh of relief. I’m OK. I wash my hair – (while I still have some) and I get up, dressed for the day ahead. Hell I’m relieved. I feel a little closer to ‘me’. I wipe down the kitchen surfaces and throw the Dyson around. I note my pace. It’s not ‘Heidi pace’, but it’s effective enough for the basics.
The biggest task for me (well one of them) is to get the balance right between doing enough and not doing too much. Over doing it is what I do. Today I win.
My gorgeous friend dropped me a food hamper off last night. I saw her sneak to the door but I was so pleased to see her I sprint from the sofa to say thank you. So far it’s the kindness that’s made me cry the most. Not the chemo. I tuck into a piece of raspberry and coconut cake. I can still taste my food! Hopefully that will continue. The insides of my mouth do feel strange. I get a weird chemical tinge from them. My mouth feels bigger on the inside than usual. No mouth sores as such – just tender skin. My teeth hurt too, but not all the time.
So given I am now over 24 hours in to my first treatment I can honestly say it hasn’t been as bad as I feared it would be. I am reflecting on the fact it was the fear of the chemo that was worse than the actual chemo itself for me right now. I had a naive understanding about what chemo is – even the word ‘cancer’ terrified me. But I am here and it is happening and I am coping. As you can. I don’t know if you are fairing better or worse than me. So I am sending my love, my energy and my belief, to those of you who may be where I am now, that you too, will cope and will get through your treatment and get to the other side where you no longer have to wonder what will happen and how you may feel.