I have woken up with a cough – tickley – back of the throat needing clearing thing. I have had this before – comes then goes. Has it gone to my lungs? Didn’t sleep well either. In between dozy drop-offs I recite my mantra, ‘I am healthy and happy – blah-de-blah’. Seems to have lost its sparkle in the night. Shit. As my mind blurs back to sleep once more, I have a number of ear worms playing my running playlist. ‘Time to fly’, by REO Speedwagon. Just the kind of music (or as my husband would say ‘shite’) I enjoy to sing to, run to and feel to. He does not like anything I do at all when it comes to music. The lyrics are gnawing away at me so I decide to play around with them and their meaning. ‘It’s time for me to fly…’ OOh. This could mean a few things eh? ‘Fly’: get my wings and grow – move on – improve – change? Or……You can see where I am going with the other interpretation…? My gut flutters – and then I feel it again – in my buttocks – prickles of the stuff – like an electric charge. It blooms in my lower body. Last seconds. But this I know is a sign I am struggling. I have anxiety.
The day was spent trying to find the feelings from the thoughts. Do you know what I mean by that? I had positive thoughts but the feelings did not match. They were in total contrast to one another. Mundane thoughts leave, but intrusive negative thoughts remain and when they linger they cause anxiety and a whole host of unpleasant feelings you can well do without. I think ‘It has not spread’, I feel ‘It is stage IV cancer’. Try applying restorative practice to these two? I have to find the currency I need for the law of attraction to return me the same. I have to change thought frequencies. I know you have to think sustained and heavy duty to attract ‘like’ to you. I know it just doesn’t happen in a few seconds – we would be doomed otherwise. Research does reveal that positive thinking is about much more than just being happy or displaying an upbeat attitude. Positive thoughts can actually create real value in your life and help you build skills that last much longer than a smile. I have personally found that the power of positive thinking develops better coping skills in times of hardship and stress. Remember I am not trying to turn you here! I am just telling you what I have found useful in many times of adversity and anxiety. As a counsellor I foster choice in my clients. I have become an integrative therapist but I am fully aligned with Carl Rogers ‘Person Centered’ approach. Whereby I use a non-authoritative approach that allows clients to take more of a lead in discussions so that, in the process, they will discover their own solutions. I am a compassionate facilitator, listening without judgment and acknowledging the client’s experience without altering the conversation in anyway. My job is to encourage and support my clients and to guide the therapeutic process without interrupting or interfering with the client’s process of self-discovery. I am not the expert on them or you – you are.
This philosophy resonates with me personally too. I am the architecture of my destiny. I get to choose how I approach my world and how to mange it. This is not always easy – trust me! But it provides me with a solid foundation to draw from and right now – as I fight for my life this is going to be very important for me to know right now.
As the days have rolled on, the messages of support and love have too. My friend brings flowers. I was feeling OK until I saw her face – then I cry my sorry woes to her. She holds them well but I feel ashamed. I do not feel strong in this moment and can feel cracks appearing again. I wish she’d have seen me yesterday when I was more in control and focused.
I am told these massive swings in emotional awareness are normal at this stage of my ‘journey’.
I pull myself together, to get ready to teach my class at 1pm. As I re-apply my make up, I see my hair is looking dull. My roots are having a spectacular time of it right now – they haven’t seen a pot of bleach for months thanks to Covid 19. My true colours are literally coming through – greys and dirty browns. Cancer has already changed my palette. What colour will I be when it leaves?